Wait But Why Holiday Post

Last year, we sent out a company-wide email asking everyone to send us a quick update on what they were doing for the holidays. Here’s our report on what they said.

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One of the questions we’ve gotten the least in recent weeks is, “What are Wait But Why’s fictional characters doing for the holiday?”

It’s almost as if people are incredibly not curious about this.

But since I know that can’t be the case, I thought I’d provide an update.

Let’s start with our favorite people on Facebook:

The Bragger is honored this holiday to be one of only three people selected for the John Rice Writer’s Scholarship Fund. She’s also excited to announce that God is good. She’s now letting it all soak in during her dream vacation in Fiji, and she really hopes you enjoyed the parasailing pictures she posted yesterday. #blessed

The Undercover Bragger is literally the least cool person to ever be at a party hosted by Jay-Z. He can’t believe they haven’t kicked him out yet. And as if the day couldn’t get any sillier, this afternoon Amazon recommended his own book to him, a real insult to all the actual authors out there. #lifeisweird

Captioned with “Some quality time with my baby,” The Relationship Bragger’s photo of their feet in the foreground and a lit fireplace in the background sums up everything people need to know about how she’s spending her time off.

The Cryptic Cliffhanger Updater just found out that this Christmas is going to be far more special than he realized……..

The Literal Status Updater took forever to fall asleep last night, but he’s feeling okay this morning. Now time for some Christmas shopping and maybe a movie later.

The Inexplicably-Public Private Message Poster had an amazing time doing Secret Santa last night with Ali, Nora, and Dana, and wants to tell them how great a time she had catching up and how much she hopes they come to her party on Friday.

The Out-Of-Nowhere Oscar Acceptance Speechmaker would just like to thank no one in particular this holiday for being such wonderful parts of his life and let no one in particular know that he hopes they have an amazing Christmas.

The Incredibly Obvious Opinion-Haver just thinks it’s important to mention that the holidays are a time for love and for family, for giving and for appreciation, and she implores you to cherish those close to you this holiday season.

The Step Toward Enlightenment Updater encourages you to remember that holiday or no holiday, if you can learn to live for today, feel the generosity in your heart, and love yourself, then you have achieved all there is to achieve.

Okay and what’s up with our friends at the hostel?

The Americans Who Are Kind of Acting Like It’s The First Day Of School are totally pumped to learn that people in Sevilla celebrate Christmas too. They announce their excitement about the hostel Christmas party to much of the city via an exceptionally loud phone call to parents back home.

In Rio, the “Make You Feel Bad About Yourself Cause You’re Not In A Cool Group Of Friends Like Those People” People are gearing up for both a big Christmas dinner and a huge New Year’s party on the beach that they’ve been planning all month. They’re teaming up for these events with another cool group of friends they met the other day. If only you weren’t invisible and eternally alone in this world, it might have been nice to join them.

The Guy Who Plays the Guitar in the Hostel is spending his holiday at The Art of Living Ashram in Bangalore. Upon arrival, he finds himself feeling that familiar anxiety that bubbles up when he’s in a new place where people don’t yet know that he plays the guitar. Once he arrives at his quarters and ensures that there’s not another Guy Who Plays the Guitar in the Hostel staying there, he’ll be able to calm down, break out the strings, and establish himself. Then he can think about other things again.

The Obnoxiously Happy Couple is putting everyone at Hanoi Backpackers Hostel in a bad mood this holiday, with their public gift-giving session, the Christmas dinner they cooked together as an adorable team, and the insufferable way the guy grabbed the phone out of the girl’s hand so he could say hi to her family.

The Girl Who Says Local Places With the Correct Accent isn’t celebrating Christmas this year in Peru, but she’s super stoked for Navidad, when she can spend Noche Buena at the misa de gallo ceremony, and if she’s lucky she just might receive a wood carving from Niño Jesus.

The Guy Who’s Maybe Been Traveling A Little Too Long is excited to spend some good quality time with his ferociously tight budget during his third holiday season in Belize. He’s looking forward to settling into his favorite chair in the hostel lounge and not getting asked questions about his situation by the hostel staff, who have learned the lesson by now.

Now let’s see what your ancestors have planned this week:

Your great⁵⁰⁰grandfather is enjoying a typical holiday of hunting, fighting, and dying at the age of 33. For a little getaway, he’s taking his family to the edge of the river 500 feet away.

Your great^555mgrandfather plans to spend the holiday staring straight ahead and standing perfectly still.

And how about our child ad models from the 1950s?

We can all imagine what kind of insane expression this little girl will have on when Christmas presents are within eyeshot—there’s no need to get into the disturbing details.

This unbearable-looking boy’s entire extended family has stopped enjoying holidays, ever since he became sentient. His animal obsession with hot dinner sickens everyone, as does his propensity to make facial expressions that showcase the infuriating gap in his shit-eating teeth.

This newly white boy has given his family, who has been black for generations, quite a start this holiday. Three days in, they’re beginning to adjust to the changes, but it’s going to be a slow process.

Pears’ Soap’s hallmark drowning infant is spending the vacation week in the hospital undergoing procedures to clear excess fluid from his lungs with a chest tube. Doctors hope to have him back at work by early January, when he’s scheduled to be trampled by a herd of cattle for Pears’ next ad campaign.

This 18-month-old child is spending his second Christmas in the same place he spent his first one—in the dark corner of the guest bathroom, where his parents have held him captive since his birth. He’s looking forward to receiving a new toy to complement his four blocks, his beach ball, and his teddy bear, which he uses as a pillow.

Certainly worth checking in with God:

This holiday, God finds himself noting that yet again, the whole world seems to be celebrating his emo son’s birthday. He also can’t help but get the distinct feeling that no one even knows when his birthday is.

Onto some of the primates we got to know:

Winner of The Most Appalled Primate award, the Indri headed home for the week, and found himself appalled by nearly everything he encountered. It was tough timing, just days after being completely appalled by life in his normal tree.

Winner of the prestigious Primate You’d Want Around Your Daughter the Least award, the Patas Monkey has opted for a staycation this year, a decision partially influenced by 21 active restraining orders currently against him, legally preventing him from going almost anywhere other than his home.

Winner of the Biggest Disaster of a Primate award, this alpha male orangutan hosted his family in his home this holiday season. His relatives were horrified to see what a disgusting, flea-ridden, wheezing disaster he had become. No one has said anything so far.

Former President George W. Bush is enjoying a quiet holiday at his home in Preston Hollow, Texas. Rumors say he and his wife Laura will be hosting Meryl Streep for dinner over the weekend.

And Jack, our friend in the pixel?

2013 was a bit lackluster for Jack, but he’s spending this time off thinking about all the things 2014 will bring. He’s worked hard for years to get to this point, and he’s finally poised to get his real life started. He knows next year at this time, everything will be different.

The 30-Year-Old Single Guys are all on their way home for the holiday—let’s see how that’s going:

For The Normal Guy Who Just Hasn’t Met The Right Girl Yet And He Really Wishes People Would Stop Looking At Him With Those Pitying Eyes, it’s not the question “How are things?” that bothers him—it’s the way people seem to look so deeply into his eyes as they ask it, with such an earnest expression. He’s now concocted such an inflated version of his life in order to defend against the unsolicited compassion that he’s starting to lose track of what’s real and what’s not. He also suddenly has a booked schedule, since both his mother and aunt have set him up on dates during his week at home.

The flag football game was fun before The Guy Who Peaked Too Early made everyone uncomfortable by acting insanely competitive and screaming at people after plays. He’s feeling spirited this week—something about all of those old familiar faces just seems to liven up his mood.

The Aggressively Online Dating Guy Who Can’t Believe He’s Not Married Yet kills two birds with one stone during the holiday, reconnecting with old friends and feeling out the Tinder situation in a different city. He also schedules drinks with that girl he’s not attracted to or compelled by whom he rejected four years ago, because actually, now that he thinks about it, her cheekbones are almost high and she did make everyone laugh that one time.

After his memorable “I’m fine and I’m happy and I don’t want your fucking advice or your help!” impromptu proclamation last year at Christmas dinner, which was accompanied by the loud clink of silverware being thrown onto his plate, The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point’s family has conferred and decided to “just let him be” this year during his return home.

And Kim Jong Il?

Kim Jong Il, despite being dead, is very much alive and well this holiday season, a phenomenon accredited to his historic The death of Kim Jong Il is strictly prohibited decree in 2004. He intends to spend the holiday both working on his latest film and festively executing his nephew via firing squad for being overheard saying Merry Christmas to a waving tour group.

And your inner psyche? How’s that doing this Christmas?

Well you’re enjoying your vacation, although for some inexplicable reason, you keep getting a later-than-planned start each morning, your “Let’s be super healthy this vacation” theme has been underwhelming with only two visits to the hotel gym in eight days, you’ve only read three quarters of one book despite bringing four, and you seem to be spending nearly two hours a day on the internet, in direct contradiction to your determined pledge to “really cut off this week.”

The Panic Monster is enjoying a well-earned week off after his annual December 23 shopping extravaganza and your out-of-character strict eating regimen for the month prior to this beach vacation. He is on call though for a potential morning shift, something he’s always ready for when alcohol is involved.

And then there’s Greg, the victim of the email disaster.

This holiday is the first time Scott and Greg will see each other since The Email Incident. Both are dreading the encounter.

How about our favorite GYPSY, Lucy?

Lucy’s almost 26 now, and if you had asked her to predict what her life would be like at 26, she would have described something far more glorious than what her current life is like. Coming home and having to talk about her life 1,000 times and hear about everyone else’s doesn’t help, and even though she’s feeling okay about things, she can’t help but think there’s something wrong with the universe when someone as special as she is living such an ordinary life. After her last three New Year’s Resolutions were all “Finally make some shit happen” and fell flat, her New Year’s Resolution this year is to stay patient.

We’ll finish up by reminding ourselves that bunnies are not normal creatures:

This bunny has resolved to make 2014 a year when he looks less identical to a baby hippo than he does now. It’s a tall order, given his situation, but he feels hopeful about his future.

On the less endearing side, this bunny’s New Year’s resolution is to keep being a complete dick.

These two bunnies have thus far spent the entire vacation week in this exact pose, eventually leading to a 3am family blowup after the father’s visiting brother woke up one night with them in his room, staring at him. “No!” he screamed, “That shit is fucked up.” After a long back and forth, the family eventually convinced him to take his shoes off and go back to bed.

This bunny is spending an uneventful holiday back in the womb, where he was stationed after everyone realized that he was still a fetus.

We wrap up with Cloud Bunny, whose New Year’s resolution this year is to get a haircut, the same resolution he’s been unable to hold himself to for 23 consecutive years.

Merry Christmas!

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